As a girl who lost her father to cancer at the tender age of fourteen, I learned early on in life that people come and go. There one minute, gone the next. Fathers, mothers, friends, aunts, uncles, acquaintances, pets, enemies, teachers, co-workers... It didn’t matter who they were, or what they meant to me. Gone at the drop of a hat.
The reasons that people disappeared from my life were never really important. I lost a best friend in the eighth grade due to a misunderstanding over a dinner invitation. Also in the eighth grade (wow, what a traumatic year), a messy divorce cut my sister-in-law clean out of my life. The following year, my freshman year of high school, proved to be no easier - my father died in November and my dog, Holly, who I’d loved unconditionally for eleven years, passed away the following August. The list goes on and on. Misunderstanding, sickness, death, divorce, or simply just the routine act of merely drifting apart... Like I said, the why didn’t matter. All that mattered was that they were gone.
After the first couple of losses, I became extremely guarded. Never quite relinquishing control, I allowed myself to make many acquaintances, but never friends. Keeping everyone at arm's length, I lived a carefully calculated, if not somewhat lonely, existence of complete and utter control. I had say over who came into my life and, more often than not, when it was time for them to “check out.” Because I never allowed myself to get close to anyone, I was never hurt when circumstances turned and I was suddenly minus one. Sure, I experienced a sort of vague, misty sense of loss. But it was more like losing my car keys instead of a trusted friend or family member.
Throughout my twenties, the losses continued - acquaintances, boyfriends, my mother, one of my brothers, co-workers... People flickered in and out of my life like images on a forbidden, un-subscribed-to television station. There one minute. Gone the next. There one minute. Gone the next. There one minute. Gone the next... You get the picture. And it didn’t matter how much someone tried to convince me that I was wrong, that he (or she) would always be around and wasn’t going anywhere. Because I knew the truth. Things change. People change. Life changes. What someone says one minute may not be true the next. For years, I was unreachable. Regardless of what anyone said or did, I was determined to live my life in solitude. And for a long time, I did just that.
Then I met Chris.
Suddenly, life as I knew it was over. My whole existence, once so comfortable and numb, was thrown completely and irrevocably out of whack. The wall that I’d so carefully constructed around myself was broken. Brick by brick, I had let my guard down. Without even realizing it, I’d become vulnerable, exposed. As if waking from a dream, I found myself out in the open, completely unprotected against the harsh elements of human nature.
In the beginning, I was amazed at how differently the time passed with Chris than with anyone else. Hours turned to days, days to weeks, weeks to months, months to years... Until, finally, the years turned into Forever. Chris settled himself into my life so completely that, before I knew it, our souls were intertwined beyond the point of unraveling. Probably due to a strong and stubborn streak, he refused to let me distance myself from him and, as a result, from the world in general. In a nutshell, he saved me from myself.
One of Chris’ favorite things to say to me is, “I’ll prove you wrong.” This statement is always said in jest, and is usually a response to one of my sarcastic comments about “forever not really existing.” But, so far, he really has proved me wrong.
Things change. People change. Life changes. But, because of Chris, I’m okay with that now. I have faith. I experience hope. And, at long last, I have finally found my courage. Because of my husband, I’m able to live a life full of purpose and passion. I no longer dread the parting of ways. Instead I cherish the stroll, the dance, the walk.
Now, I relish the journey.
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Quote of the day:
"Fire scares me, yes, and earthquakes, and venomous snakes. People scare me more than anything, for I know too well the savagery of which humankind is capable." -- Odd Thomas
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