Awake

The end of 2011 was a time for good-byes. For finished chapters. I didn't necessarily close the book on a few of my dreams, but I did tuck in a bookmark.

I will no longer be pursuing photography. Honestly, I didn't really pursue it much at all in 2011 anyway, what with school taking up much of my time and energy. It's an art that I will always love, and I have no intention of putting my camera down completely. However, I don't feel quite the pull towards it that I used to. Perhaps it's because I never really had the money to advertise or purchase new (read that "better") equipment. I always just worked as best as I could with the little bit of gear that I had. And for awhile, that was enough. But, like everything in life, you get to the point where you want to evolve your trade, your skills, and in order to do that, money was necessary. And, right now, it's just not an investment that's possible to make. I'm reminded of what Harry Connick Jr's character said in the movie Hope Floats: "You find something you love, then you twist and turn it trying to find a way to make money from it. By the time you're finished, you can't even remember what it was you loved." And that's kind of sorta where I'm at with photography. Will that change in the future? Very possibly. But, for now, it is what it is.

I also bid farewell to college because, once again, the funds to continue just weren't there. And that's okay. It was a bit of a blow at first, but if I allowed every let down to get to me, I'd be a basket case right about now. Plus, I'll be honest, it was strange to be an adult back in the classroom. I've worked in the "real world" since I was fourteen. I know exactly what it's about and how to maneuver my way through it. And it was slightly amusing, yet a bit of a time waster, to hear the professors ramble on and on about life in the workplace and just what "we", as college students, could expect. (And sadly, most of the time they were very, very far off the mark.)

There were a few other dreams that I bid adieux to as well, but school and photography were the big ones. Lack of finances to properly pursue a dream can be a real hindrance. And that got me thinking. What could I actually do that didn't cost any money? What goal could I strive for that no one could deny me except myself? No financial aid counselor, no bank, no loan agency, no economic recession...

And in one breath, the answer hit me.

Health. Fitness. Run a marathon. Conquer a triathlon. Be the best physical me that I can possibly be.

On January 2nd I popped in a Tae-Bo DVD. I turned up the volume to a level that successfully drowned out the ever-present chatter in my head. I kicked. I punched. I swore. I sweat away every bit of rage, anger, and frustration that I had felt in 2011. When I was finally done, heaving and panting, I clicked the play button and did the DVD again. By the time I was done, my body was ready to collapse, but my spirit... my spirit was soaring.

For the first time in a long time, I felt alive. I felt powerful. And, perhaps most importantly, I felt... hopeful.

Since then, I've faithfully kicked, punched, lifted, and ran my way through January and the beginning of February with an energy and determination I never knew I had. Or, at least, with an energy and determination I haven't experienced in a really, really long time.

Ninety minutes of Tae-Bo. Two miles on the treadmill. Twenty minutes running stairs. An hour on the elliptical. Lift weights. Repeat.

This is how I spend my time. Now.

I really don't know where this frantic need to exercise, exercise, exercise comes from. I'm sure a shrink would say that it stems from my need to busy my mind and occupy my thoughts so they can't dwell on what was lost. And maybe that is the case.

But I think it's more than that.

For so long, I worked at getting my mind aligned with my spirit. Thinking positive. Meditating to gain peace. Changing my thought patterns from guilt and worry to acceptance and hope. But I never worked on my body. Not with near enough dedication and commitment that it really deserved.

I'm finally understanding why the greatest spiritual teachings encourage the alignment of mind, spirit, and body. No matter how much attention you give one area, if the other two are lacking, you might as well be doing nothing at all.

This blog will be sort of dead for awhile. I really don't feel the need for it anymore. Maybe once in awhile I'll post some photos of the beautiful area we're lucky enough to call home, or something along those lines. But other than that, this is one chapter of my life that I feel like closing. At least for the time being. To the two or three people out there who actually read this little blog, thanks for the support. This tiny corner of the internet has been a great place for me to pour out whatever was in my head, my heart. It's never been very professional (this rough and choppy post alone is a testament to that), and I certainly didn't start it to impress anyone. Just an online diary to appease my inner artist and seeker.

With a sigh and a huge feeling of relief, I'm turning my attention towards 2012 with an open heart, an open mind, and a mantra of que sera, sera. Whatever will be, will be.


** This 2011 ad from the Wyoming Office of Tourism sums up the way I hope to live my life beautifully.

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"Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go."
--Herman Hesse

Mornings

Morning is my favorite time.

The quiet. The solitude. Nothing but Dehlia’s steady, rhythmic breathing and the occasional rustle as I flip the pages of my book.

The smell of coffee, flavored lightly with vanilla and cinnamon, wafts up from my cup and tickles my nose.

Soft white light creeps in through the windows and stretches slowly across the living room floor, bathing the room in an ethereal glow.

The shadows recede, and the day presents itself.

Like clockwork. It’s a pattern. A cherished ritual.

7 AM.

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"Morning is when the wick is lit. A flame ignited, the day delighted with heat and light, we start the fight for something more than before."
-- Jeb Dickerson

Snowmageddon

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"The first fall of snow is not only an event, it is a magical event. You go to bed in one kind of a world and wake up in another quite different, and if this is not enchantment then where is it to be found?"
-- J.B. Priestley

Snow Day

Our lush green backyard has turned a stark white. The winter sky, normally gray and saturated, is now bleached and flecked with shimmering bits of white fluff. Ice is spreading across the windows, blurring our vision and casting a silvery glow over the outside world.

Seattle has turned into a winter wonderland.

And I, for one, am completely thrilled about it. :)

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"Sunshine is delicious, rain is refreshing, wind braces us up, snow is exhilarating; there is really no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather."
-- John Ruskin

Compl'i'mentary Colors

The sky from our porch last night.

Unedited.

Source at its finest.

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"I believe that there is a subtle magnetism in Nature, which, if we unconsciously yield to it, will direct us aright."
-- Henry David Thoreau

To-Be-Read Pile

What's on my nightstand...

1. The Forest of Hands and Teeth
2. Spontaneous Evolution: Our Positive Future and a Way to Get There From Here
3. The Hunger Games
4. Moonwalking with Einstein
5. Steve Jobs
6. Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children
7. Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns)
8. God is No Laughing Matter
9. Sweet Valley Confidential: Ten Years Later

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“Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.”
-- Mahatma Gandhi

Inspiration (in many forms...)

A friend of mine on facebook posted this today, and I felt compelled to share. It's a quote I've heard before, but today the words just really hit. Hard. Lately, it sums up my life beautifully.

And, speaking of inspiring things, check out this amazing video from Klara Harden. Beautifully filmed, this documentary reaffirms my desire to live a life that's free from monotony. And to always, always make time for adventure.

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"Beliefs have the power to create and the power to destroy. Human beings have the awesome ability to take any experience of their lives and create a meaning that disempowers them or one that can literally save their lives."
-- Tony Robbins

Good-bye, 2011...

Hello, 2012. :)

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"The object of a new year is not that we should have a new year. It is that we should have a new soul."
-- G. K. Chesterton

Reading Challenge: 2012

I devour books. Devour them. Sort of like chocolate.

I, uh, just can't get enough.

*Sigh*

Anyway, with the new year fast approaching, I thought it'd be fun to track all the books I digest in 2012.

(Again, I'm talking about books, not chocolate.)

I've set a goal of 125 books for the year. I can't wait to get started.

Happy reading!

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"It is what you read when you don't have to that determines what you will be when you can't help it."
-- Oscar Wilde

Couch Potatoes

What we’ve been falling in love with lately.


Rise of the Planet of the Apes

We saw this for the first time on Christmas night and loved it. (Loved it!) As a kid, I was fascinated with The Planet of the Apes movies and relished their sci-fi goodness. Having what one of my grade school teachers called an "intolerable, overactive imagination", it wasn’t a stretch for me to believe that, hey, this could actually happen! And after seeing Rise of the Planet of the Apes, the little girl in me practically squealed, See?!! I told you so!! Plus, it was nice to see Tom Felton break free from his trademark role of Draco Malfoy and dive into the part of the equally sinister Dodge Landon. When he spat Charleton Heston’s famous line, "Take your stinking paws off me you damn dirty ape!" and Ceasar (speaking for the first time ever) shouted back, "No!", well… I got chills.


Shameless

With the season six finale of Dexter a few weeks ago and ten whole months to wait before season seven, it’s a good thing that Chris and I discovered the gem that will be taking its timeslot in January. Shameless is, well, shameless. And it’s soooo good. Raw, gritty, and real, this Showtime original kept us glued to our TV for twelve hours straight as we caught up with season one. The actors are superb, the writing is magnificent, and the whole thing really is shameless… In a really, really good way. Season two premieres on Sunday night, January 8th at 9.


Horrible Bosses

I’m lucky. I’ve never had a boss that I wanted to kill. But if I ever do, I now know how to do it. This is without a doubt the funniest movie we’ve seen all year. All. Year. We laughed so hard we cried. And then laughed some more.


I AM

I’m giddy about this documentary. Giddy. I’ve been waiting for close to a year to see it, and it lived up to all of my expectations. I just can’t find the words to do it justice, so here’s the trailer to give you a better idea of what this must-see flick is about. (Thank you, Tom Shadyac!)

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"Look, if you want a promotion, you gotta earn it. Now, what do I keep saying? Life is a marathon and you cannot win a marathon without putting a few band-aids on your nipples. Right?"
-- Dave Harken (via Kevin Spacey) from Horrible Bosses

Taking A Moment

Reminiscing.

The holidays usually bring that on.

Today, while sipping tea and remembering Christmases past, I pulled out the few pictures I have of my youth. Flipping through them, gently fingering the worn edges and savoring the memories, I felt a tug on my heart.

It's hard. Being alone. Well, of course I'm not really alone. I have Chris. And, aside from D, he's my world.

But what I'm talking about are parents. A mom and a dad. My own dad died when I was fourteen. I've been estranged from my mother for close to seven years now.

And it's hard.

There are times - especially after having an unusually rough day - when I'd love nothing more than being able to call people who really, truly, from-the-bottom-of-their-hearts cared. The freedom to vent to a mother who listens and sympathizes. Or the security of having a dad to lean on when life gets hectic and tough.

Always having that support. That helping hand. That refuge, love, and connection.

That feeling that, no matter what happens, you're never, ever alone.

I miss that. Like crazy, I miss having that.

I've come to terms with the fact that my life is the way it is, and that it's the way it is for a very good reason. And after the holidays, I'll be able to perk up and go on with it without a hitch. Because, in all honesty, my life really is good. And I'm thankful that I have the common sense to realize that.

But for now, just for a moment, I'm going to allow myself to remember.

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"You will find that it is necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy. So let them go, let go of them. I tie no weights to my ankles."
-- C. JoyBell C.

Ho-Ho-Ho...

Still feeling a bit Grinchy this year, but managed to whip up a holiday card for the masses. :)

Hope everyone has a great Christmas and a wonderful New Year!

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"Art is the desire of a man to express himself, to record the reactions of his personality to the world he lives in."
-- Amy Lowell

Kalaloch Beach

My favorite place. Ever.

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"The name Kalaloch is a corruption of the Quinault term k'–E–le–ok, pronounced Kq–â-lā'–ȯk, meaning "a good place to land", "canoe launch and landing", or "sheltered landing". The site was one of the few safe landing sites for dugout canoes between the Quinault River and Hoh River.[1]"
-- Wikipedia

Sweet Dreams

Dulces sueños.

Lately I’ve been dreaming.

In Spanish.

I’ll be at the supermarket – the local QFC down the street – searching and searching for mushrooms when I suddenly blurt out to the produce guy, “¿Donde se los champiñones?” He laughs at my frustration and hands me an onion. “Prefiero la cebolla.” And then I get really frustrated (because I’m not looking for cebollas, I’m looking for champiñones) and wake up – muttering to myself in Spanish.

And then I get really excited because I realize that I’m muttering to myself in Spanish!

Speaking a second language fluently has been on my bucket list for years. And while I’m nowhere near fluent yet, the fact that I know enough to dream in a second language is, to me, a step in the right direction.

On a side note... I'm thrilled that, even though I'm no longer able to attend college, I don't have to stop learning. We can all be our own teachers... :)

Que tengas lindos sueños.
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“Try not to let school get in the way of your education.”
-- Albert Einstein

Inspiration

Smile. Exercise is addicting.

Especially Tae Bo.

Billy Blanks... I heart you. :)

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"The body only profits a little from exercising but the spirit profits a lot."
-- Billy Blanks

Baby Steps

So often times, I want to be somewhere other than where I am. I want to go somewhere that is so far from my current position - whether it be a state of mind or an actual location - that I can actually feel the pull. But, when I heed the call, I find myself not really all that far from where I actually started.

I want huge leaps. Gigantic leaps. Enormous progress. I want to bound across that chasm of contrast and into a whole new way of being. Into something so brand spanking new that, if I were to look back, I wouldn't even be able to see where I came from.

And I want to do it all... right now.

In a perfect world, we'd be able to leap into our desired reality with one single bound. Fat to thin. Disease to wellness. Poverty to prosperity. Lack to abundance.

But our world isn't perfect. And maybe that's a good thing. Because, if it was, how could we determine what we wanted in the first place? And if we didn't experience the dark - as so many wise ones have said - then how can we possibly appreciate the light?

I think the movie What About Bob? says it best.

Baby steps.

You gotta take baby steps into your dreams. Press forward with small but determined strides. Make tiny but deliberate changes. All of these seemingly insignificant actions will eventually add up to that brand spanking new reality.

Granted, this is all easy to write. It's easy advice to give. It is, however, harder to follow. I do my best daily and try to keep the impatience at bay. Some days are better than others. But when it comes down to standing still or moving forward, I'll take moving forward. Even if it means baby steppin' the entire freakin' way.

My most recent baby step? Incorporating green drinks back into my life. Before school started last January, I guzzled these smoothies regularly. But once my schedule became so overloaded with classes, studying, and commuting to and from campus, I regrettably replaced these priceless nutritious drinks with pricey vanilla lattes from the cafeteria. My life is now, however, heading in a new direction. And instead of fighting the flow, I'm choosing to go with it. Even though I have absolutely no idea where it's headed.

So here's to my attempt to get across the chasm, to the place I want to be. My baby step toward a brand spanking new reality.

Cheers.

** In this drink:

Spinach
Blueberries
1 Banana
1 Orange

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"...baby step onto the elevator... baby step into the elevator... I'm *in* the elevator.
[doors close]
AHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
-- Bob Wiley (via Bill Murray) in What About Bob?

Sun Break

I'm a person who loves clouds. Rain. And dreary, gray, chilly weather.

I guess you could say that I'm living in the perfect place.

Lately, though, I've been missing the sun. So much so that - when it peeked its head out from behind the clouds this afternoon for its daily five-minute sun break - I stepped outside and snapped a picture of it.

Let the sun shine in.

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"Wherever you go, no matter what the weather, always bring your own sunshine."
--Anthony J. D'Angelo

A Reminder

I wasn’t going to decorate for Christmas this year.

In fact, I was going to go one step further and not celebrate it at all.

With everything that’s gone on recently, celebrating a festive holiday such as Christmas… Well, I just didn’t think I had it in me.

As I’m unemployed, there will be no presents. And because the miniscule amount of family that we do have is at least half a continent away, it will (like always) be just the two of us at our holiday dinner table.

In the past, I’ve always made an effort to celebrate holidays – despite whatever chaos was going on in our lives at the time. (Financial concerns, layoffs, lack of family, etc.)

But this year… It all just seemed like such a hassle. Hauling out the holiday boxes, digging through the decorations, setting up and trimming the tree… When considering all this, the only thing I could think of was, Ugh. We’re going to have to take all this crap down in a month. Why put it up at all? And no one will be here to see it, anyway…

One night in early November, I mentioned my reluctance Chris. Channeling my inner lawyer, I argued my case. “I’m the one who decorates every year anyway and why bother because it’s just the two of us – well three if you count D but she doesn’t know the difference – and we just have to take it all back down again after the New Year which, by the way, is a huge hassle, and we’re not going to be able to do gifts – again – this year, so why bother…”

My run-on argument went on and on. And on.

And Chris agreed. Or so I thought.

Until last Friday, when I walked out of the bedroom to find our surprisingly realistic pre-lit Christmas tree half assembled – and Chris standing next to it, happily fiddling with the one strand that always refuses to light.

He hugged me, passed me a box of ornaments, and shrugged. “Two people constitute a family.”

So for the rest of Black Friday, we decorated. We listened to Christmas music, reminisced over each ornament we placed on the tree, and hung our holiday stockings. I draped the fireplace mantel with a ten foot roll of yummy sweet-smelling cedar garland while Chris wrapped twinkling white lights around our garage door.

It’s important to make the best with what you have. To appreciate what you do have instead of focusing on what you don’t. I know this. I do. I’ve written about it before. But, like every other important lesson in life, it can be easy to forget. Sometimes you just need some help remembering.

Thank you, Chris, for reminding me.

So am I now completely caught up in the holiday spirit? Not entirely. But I’m getting there.

** Enjoy a delicious rendition of Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas by She & Him. (And, well, who doesn't love a little She & Him??!) :)

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"Isn't it funny that at Christmas something in you gets so lonely for - I don't know what exactly, but it's something that you don't mind so much not having at other times."
-- Kate L. Bosher

The 30 Day Challenge

I never back down from a good challenge.

Kayaking through sea caves on Lake Superior during the windiest day of the year?

Done it.

One entire month without caffeine?

Piece of cake.

Meditate for 30 minutes a day for 30 days in a row?

Not hard at all.

Walk through Reptile Gardens without freaking out?

Okay. I almost failed that one.

So when Chris instigated this most recent one, how could I refuse?

30 days away from Facebook.

I’ll be spending the next month completely disconnected from the social networking site. I won’t even pretend that it’s not going to free up an enormous amount of time. (During which I have a long list of things that I’ll be diving into: a huge stack of books, Tae Bo DVDs, Spanish tutorials… Not to mention training for a St. Patty’s Day marathon, taking long walks with D, and spending quality time with Chris.)

Facebook is a good thing. It allows us to easily stay in touch with loved ones, maintain friendships that would otherwise be lost to time and distance, and promote the things we love – i.e. small businesses, art, music, etc. See? All good, right?

But I also think it’s something that needs to be used in moderation. I’ve seen people so glued to their Facebook or Twitter screens that they miss the beauty of the moment: a breathtaking sunset, a touching scene in a movie, a wild performance at a concert, a drive through the Cascade Mountains, a once-in-a-lifetime art exhibit, time with a loved one – just to name a few.

And lately – this is where the challenge comes in – I noticed that I was becoming caught up in the madness. Me! Logging onto Facebook instead of picking up that book I’ve been meaning to read. Me! Scrolling through status updates instead of hitting the treadmill with Chris. And, perhaps the most ridiculous, jumping up during movie-date-night to comment on a post in my newsfeed… Pathetic, huh?

Yep. I’d say it’s time for a break.

So I’m taking a month off. To focus on life. Without distractions.

I’ll update my status later. :)

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"Life is sweet when you pay attention. When it doesn't seem sweet, put a sticker on your nose and do a funky dance."
-- Whitney Scott

Thankful

He looked at me carefully. His eyes were guarded, and I knew right away what he was thinking.

Dare I ask her?

But I smiled at Chris over the steaming turkey and nodded. “It’s all right,” I said. “Let’s do this.”

Every year, before we start chowing down on our Thanksgiving feast, we tell each other all the reasons that we’re thankful. This year, however, with the (very) recent and abrupt turn of events that has my life now spiraling into a new, unknown direction, Chris wondered if asking me what I was thankful for might just be the push that hurled me over the edge.

I can't say I blamed him for being nervous.

This year, I’m thankful for a life that’s never dull. I’m thankful for the willingness to constantly push forward and maintain a positive outlook, despite current circumstances. And to know that, no matter what, the power to be happy is – and will always be – mine to control. I’m also thankful for the enormous amount of strength and appreciation that the recent events have instilled in me. What started out as a powerless situation has now become, thankfully, something that I feel I can do anything with.

Right now, I’m not looking back. I’m not even looking forward. For the first time in my life, I’m going to just be. I’m not going to force my way through or to anything. I’m going to stop seeking my future and, instead, allow it to just... happen.

As the old saying goes: Que sera, sera. Whatever will be, will be.

And for the first time in my life, I’m not going to worry about it.

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"You heard what Linus was saying out there. Those early Pilgrims were thankful for what had happened to them, and we should be thankful, too. We should just be thankful for being together. I think that's what they mean by 'Thanksgiving,' Charlie Brown."
-- Marcie (A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving)