Sweet Dreams

Dulces sueños.

Lately I’ve been dreaming.

In Spanish.

I’ll be at the supermarket – the local QFC down the street – searching and searching for mushrooms when I suddenly blurt out to the produce guy, “¿Donde se los champiñones?” He laughs at my frustration and hands me an onion. “Prefiero la cebolla.” And then I get really frustrated (because I’m not looking for cebollas, I’m looking for champiñones) and wake up – muttering to myself in Spanish.

And then I get really excited because I realize that I’m muttering to myself in Spanish!

Speaking a second language fluently has been on my bucket list for years. And while I’m nowhere near fluent yet, the fact that I know enough to dream in a second language is, to me, a step in the right direction.

On a side note... I'm thrilled that, even though I'm no longer able to attend college, I don't have to stop learning. We can all be our own teachers... :)

Que tengas lindos sueños.
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“Try not to let school get in the way of your education.”
-- Albert Einstein

Chena and Her Boys : )

Chena is amazing. The kind of person that, when you meet her, already feels like an instant friend.

Yesterday I had the pleasure of meeting her boys. And they're equally amazing.

So what do three amazing people add up to??

One freakin' amazing family.

Thanks Chena, Dominick and Lukas for a great morning!!

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"Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose." -- From the television show The Wonder Years

Candy Cane Antlers

Straight-out-of-the-camera goodness.

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"Boy, noun: a noise with dirt on it."
-- Not Your Average Dictionary :)

Inspiration

Smile. Exercise is addicting.

Especially Tae Bo.

Billy Blanks... I heart you. :)

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"The body only profits a little from exercising but the spirit profits a lot."
-- Billy Blanks

Baby Steps

So often times, I want to be somewhere other than where I am. I want to go somewhere that is so far from my current position - whether it be a state of mind or an actual location - that I can actually feel the pull. But, when I heed the call, I find myself not really all that far from where I actually started.

I want huge leaps. Gigantic leaps. Enormous progress. I want to bound across that chasm of contrast and into a whole new way of being. Into something so brand spanking new that, if I were to look back, I wouldn't even be able to see where I came from.

And I want to do it all... right now.

In a perfect world, we'd be able to leap into our desired reality with one single bound. Fat to thin. Disease to wellness. Poverty to prosperity. Lack to abundance.

But our world isn't perfect. And maybe that's a good thing. Because, if it was, how could we determine what we wanted in the first place? And if we didn't experience the dark - as so many wise ones have said - then how can we possibly appreciate the light?

I think the movie What About Bob? says it best.

Baby steps.

You gotta take baby steps into your dreams. Press forward with small but determined strides. Make tiny but deliberate changes. All of these seemingly insignificant actions will eventually add up to that brand spanking new reality.

Granted, this is all easy to write. It's easy advice to give. It is, however, harder to follow. I do my best daily and try to keep the impatience at bay. Some days are better than others. But when it comes down to standing still or moving forward, I'll take moving forward. Even if it means baby steppin' the entire freakin' way.

My most recent baby step? Incorporating green drinks back into my life. Before school started last January, I guzzled these smoothies regularly. But once my schedule became so overloaded with classes, studying, and commuting to and from campus, I regrettably replaced these priceless nutritious drinks with pricey vanilla lattes from the cafeteria. My life is now, however, heading in a new direction. And instead of fighting the flow, I'm choosing to go with it. Even though I have absolutely no idea where it's headed.

So here's to my attempt to get across the chasm, to the place I want to be. My baby step toward a brand spanking new reality.

Cheers.

** In this drink:

Spinach
Blueberries
1 Banana
1 Orange

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"...baby step onto the elevator... baby step into the elevator... I'm *in* the elevator.
[doors close]
AHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
-- Bob Wiley (via Bill Murray) in What About Bob?

Sun Break

I'm a person who loves clouds. Rain. And dreary, gray, chilly weather.

I guess you could say that I'm living in the perfect place.

Lately, though, I've been missing the sun. So much so that - when it peeked its head out from behind the clouds this afternoon for its daily five-minute sun break - I stepped outside and snapped a picture of it.

Let the sun shine in.

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"Wherever you go, no matter what the weather, always bring your own sunshine."
--Anthony J. D'Angelo

A Reminder

I wasn’t going to decorate for Christmas this year.

In fact, I was going to go one step further and not celebrate it at all.

With everything that’s gone on recently, celebrating a festive holiday such as Christmas… Well, I just didn’t think I had it in me.

As I’m unemployed, there will be no presents. And because the miniscule amount of family that we do have is at least half a continent away, it will (like always) be just the two of us at our holiday dinner table.

In the past, I’ve always made an effort to celebrate holidays – despite whatever chaos was going on in our lives at the time. (Financial concerns, layoffs, lack of family, etc.)

But this year… It all just seemed like such a hassle. Hauling out the holiday boxes, digging through the decorations, setting up and trimming the tree… When considering all this, the only thing I could think of was, Ugh. We’re going to have to take all this crap down in a month. Why put it up at all? And no one will be here to see it, anyway…

One night in early November, I mentioned my reluctance Chris. Channeling my inner lawyer, I argued my case. “I’m the one who decorates every year anyway and why bother because it’s just the two of us – well three if you count D but she doesn’t know the difference – and we just have to take it all back down again after the New Year which, by the way, is a huge hassle, and we’re not going to be able to do gifts – again – this year, so why bother…”

My run-on argument went on and on. And on.

And Chris agreed. Or so I thought.

Until last Friday, when I walked out of the bedroom to find our surprisingly realistic pre-lit Christmas tree half assembled – and Chris standing next to it, happily fiddling with the one strand that always refuses to light.

He hugged me, passed me a box of ornaments, and shrugged. “Two people constitute a family.”

So for the rest of Black Friday, we decorated. We listened to Christmas music, reminisced over each ornament we placed on the tree, and hung our holiday stockings. I draped the fireplace mantel with a ten foot roll of yummy sweet-smelling cedar garland while Chris wrapped twinkling white lights around our garage door.

It’s important to make the best with what you have. To appreciate what you do have instead of focusing on what you don’t. I know this. I do. I’ve written about it before. But, like every other important lesson in life, it can be easy to forget. Sometimes you just need some help remembering.

Thank you, Chris, for reminding me.

So am I now completely caught up in the holiday spirit? Not entirely. But I’m getting there.

** Enjoy a delicious rendition of Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas by She & Him. (And, well, who doesn't love a little She & Him??!) :)

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"Isn't it funny that at Christmas something in you gets so lonely for - I don't know what exactly, but it's something that you don't mind so much not having at other times."
-- Kate L. Bosher

The 30 Day Challenge

I never back down from a good challenge.

Kayaking through sea caves on Lake Superior during the windiest day of the year?

Done it.

One entire month without caffeine?

Piece of cake.

Meditate for 30 minutes a day for 30 days in a row?

Not hard at all.

Walk through Reptile Gardens without freaking out?

Okay. I almost failed that one.

So when Chris instigated this most recent one, how could I refuse?

30 days away from Facebook.

I’ll be spending the next month completely disconnected from the social networking site. I won’t even pretend that it’s not going to free up an enormous amount of time. (During which I have a long list of things that I’ll be diving into: a huge stack of books, Tae Bo DVDs, Spanish tutorials… Not to mention training for a St. Patty’s Day marathon, taking long walks with D, and spending quality time with Chris.)

Facebook is a good thing. It allows us to easily stay in touch with loved ones, maintain friendships that would otherwise be lost to time and distance, and promote the things we love – i.e. small businesses, art, music, etc. See? All good, right?

But I also think it’s something that needs to be used in moderation. I’ve seen people so glued to their Facebook or Twitter screens that they miss the beauty of the moment: a breathtaking sunset, a touching scene in a movie, a wild performance at a concert, a drive through the Cascade Mountains, a once-in-a-lifetime art exhibit, time with a loved one – just to name a few.

And lately – this is where the challenge comes in – I noticed that I was becoming caught up in the madness. Me! Logging onto Facebook instead of picking up that book I’ve been meaning to read. Me! Scrolling through status updates instead of hitting the treadmill with Chris. And, perhaps the most ridiculous, jumping up during movie-date-night to comment on a post in my newsfeed… Pathetic, huh?

Yep. I’d say it’s time for a break.

So I’m taking a month off. To focus on life. Without distractions.

I’ll update my status later. :)

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"Life is sweet when you pay attention. When it doesn't seem sweet, put a sticker on your nose and do a funky dance."
-- Whitney Scott

Thankful

He looked at me carefully. His eyes were guarded, and I knew right away what he was thinking.

Dare I ask her?

But I smiled at Chris over the steaming turkey and nodded. “It’s all right,” I said. “Let’s do this.”

Every year, before we start chowing down on our Thanksgiving feast, we tell each other all the reasons that we’re thankful. This year, however, with the (very) recent and abrupt turn of events that has my life now spiraling into a new, unknown direction, Chris wondered if asking me what I was thankful for might just be the push that hurled me over the edge.

I can't say I blamed him for being nervous.

This year, I’m thankful for a life that’s never dull. I’m thankful for the willingness to constantly push forward and maintain a positive outlook, despite current circumstances. And to know that, no matter what, the power to be happy is – and will always be – mine to control. I’m also thankful for the enormous amount of strength and appreciation that the recent events have instilled in me. What started out as a powerless situation has now become, thankfully, something that I feel I can do anything with.

Right now, I’m not looking back. I’m not even looking forward. For the first time in my life, I’m going to just be. I’m not going to force my way through or to anything. I’m going to stop seeking my future and, instead, allow it to just... happen.

As the old saying goes: Que sera, sera. Whatever will be, will be.

And for the first time in my life, I’m not going to worry about it.

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"You heard what Linus was saying out there. Those early Pilgrims were thankful for what had happened to them, and we should be thankful, too. We should just be thankful for being together. I think that's what they mean by 'Thanksgiving,' Charlie Brown."
-- Marcie (A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving)

"Lovesong"

I don’t always live in the now. Although I do try.

But sometimes thoughts – either concerning past events I can’t change or worries over future events that might not even happen – clog my mind and stifle my present.

Especially lately.

So anything that can break into those toxic distractions and pull me back to the present moment is priceless.

Today this song literally smacked me over the head and shook me out of the doldrums I’d fallen into. Relaxing into that sweet wave of relief, I paused, closed my eyes, and allowed myself to be swept back into the present.

Originally sung by The Cure, this is one of my absolute favorite songs… And until today, I had no idea that Adele had given it a whirl. But with her exquisite voice, I couldn't help but rush home and add it to my play list.

Enjoy.

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"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

A New Adventure

Well, here goes.

When one adventure ends, do we weep? Do we throw the covers over our heads and refuse to get out of bed in the mornings because something that we wanted to work out, in fact, didn't?

Yesterday I received notice from the financial aid office at my school informing me that I don't qualify for any sort of financial aid - grants, loans, etc - at all. And, to put it bluntly, I cannot continue to attend college without those loans. After spending the last eleven months of my life attending college, proudly making straight A's and being extraordinarily grateful for finally (finally!) finding a career that I can love, hearing this news was like a punch to the gut. I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. For a brief moment, I actually struggled to breathe.

For a good hour, morbid thoughts shot through my mind. Wrapped themselves around my brain and choked my heart. What am I going to do? What are we going to do? Is this how it's always going to be? Get so close to a dream, close enough that I can almost reach it, only to have it cruelly snatched away? To finally reach the end of the tunnel, see that little pin prick of light and feel for the first time in a long time hopeful, only to suddenly be roughly pulled back as a gruff voice laughs viciously, Not something you can have. Never something you can get.

So be it. I guess a college degree is something that I will never have.

It's funny. So many people (not all, but surprisingly quite a few) with college degrees seem to be, well, not really so bright. More like pompous jerks with enormous egos who have no idea how to look past the end of their own noses. Able to thrust a diploma in front of them at dinner parties and, because of said piece of paper, be escorted to the finest table full of all the right people. I've seen exceedingly creative individuals be turned down for jobs merely because they're lacking that same piece of paper. And I've also seen less talented individuals get those same jobs just because they have the piece of paper.

It all just seems so... wrong.

I'm not really sure what direction my life will take now. Other than I know what direction it will not take. All I know is that I have been thrown (rather forcefully) into a new direction. And honestly? Seeing my world from this new vantage point isn't exactly as heartbreaking as I might have feared. But it is scary.

Perhaps the lesson to be learned from all of this is to be okay with where I am. To realize that I'm not better or worse or less-than for not having a college degree. To finally figure out that I'm worthy enough just the way I am. And to accept the fact that I'll always be a little incomplete - perhaps beautifully so.

I have no choice but to keep on keeping on. Life doesn't quit, and neither do I.

My wonderful husband stared at me misty-eyed when I told him my time at college was over. Sliding next to me on the couch, he grasped my hands, touched his forehead to mine and said the kindest words. "I've never met someone who perseveres more than you. I've never met anyone who's had as many road blocks put in their path as you have. Yet you never give up. There's something to be said for that. We'll be fine. You'll be fine."

And of course he's right. I will be fine. But I do have to admit that there's a little part of me - okay, maybe all of me - that's ready to be more than fine. That's ready to finally catch a break and, just for once, just for a little while, sail through life with the winds and not against them.

So we'll see. It looks like one adventure has ended. And I managed to get myself out of bed today.

There's something to be said for that. Or so they say.

So now I'm on the hunt for a new adventure. Because, like Chris says, I never give up.

Bring it.

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"Never bend your head. Always hold it high. Look the world right in the eye."
-- Helen Keller