When one adventure ends, do we weep? Do we throw the covers over our heads and refuse to get out of bed in the mornings because something that we wanted to work out, in fact, didn't?
Yesterday I received notice from the financial aid office at my school informing me that I don't qualify for any sort of financial aid - grants, loans, etc - at all. And, to put it bluntly, I cannot continue to attend college without those loans. After spending the last eleven months of my life attending college, proudly making straight A's and being extraordinarily grateful for finally (finally!) finding a career that I can love, hearing this news was like a punch to the gut. I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. For a brief moment, I actually struggled to breathe.
For a good hour, morbid thoughts shot through my mind. Wrapped themselves around my brain and choked my heart. What am I going to do? What are we going to do? Is this how it's always going to be? Get so close to a dream, close enough that I can almost reach it, only to have it cruelly snatched away? To finally reach the end of the tunnel, see that little pin prick of light and feel for the first time in a long time hopeful, only to suddenly be roughly pulled back as a gruff voice laughs viciously, Not something you can have. Never something you can get.
So be it. I guess a college degree is something that I will never have.
It's funny. So many people (not all, but surprisingly quite a few) with college degrees seem to be, well, not really so bright. More like pompous jerks with enormous egos who have no idea how to look past the end of their own noses. Able to thrust a diploma in front of them at dinner parties and, because of said piece of paper, be escorted to the finest table full of all the right people. I've seen exceedingly creative individuals be turned down for jobs merely because they're lacking that same piece of paper. And I've also seen less talented individuals get those same jobs just because they have the piece of paper.
It all just seems so... wrong.
I'm not really sure what direction my life will take now. Other than I know what direction it will not take. All I know is that I have been thrown (rather forcefully) into a new direction. And honestly? Seeing my world from this new vantage point isn't exactly as heartbreaking as I might have feared. But it is scary.
Perhaps the lesson to be learned from all of this is to be okay with where I am. To realize that I'm not better or worse or less-than for not having a college degree. To finally figure out that I'm worthy enough just the way I am. And to accept the fact that I'll always be a little incomplete - perhaps beautifully so.
I have no choice but to keep on keeping on. Life doesn't quit, and neither do I.
My wonderful husband stared at me misty-eyed when I told him my time at college was over. Sliding next to me on the couch, he grasped my hands, touched his forehead to mine and said the kindest words. "I've never met someone who perseveres more than you. I've never met anyone who's had as many road blocks put in their path as you have. Yet you never give up. There's something to be said for that. We'll be fine. You'll be fine."
And of course he's right. I will be fine. But I do have to admit that there's a little part of me - okay, maybe all of me - that's ready to be more than fine. That's ready to finally catch a break and, just for once, just for a little while, sail through life with the winds and not against them.
So we'll see. It looks like one adventure has ended. And I managed to get myself out of bed today.
There's something to be said for that. Or so they say.
So now I'm on the hunt for a new adventure. Because, like Chris says, I never give up.
Bring it.
___________________________
"Never bend your head. Always hold it high. Look the world right in the eye."
-- Helen Keller
0 comments:
Post a Comment