I wish.
The last several days have been filled with so many ups and downs, I feel like I've been re-living the last few months of Molly's life in fastforward. I'll have a great, fantastic, wonderfully serene moment (usually during and just after meditation) where I'll feel completely calm and at peace. But then, a few hours later, when the chaos of the day has attacked and successfully clogged my mind, I'll loose it - completely.
It feels just like it did when my dad passed - eighteen year ago.
Mornings are hard, but bearable. I can usually pull myself out of the funk and get on with the day - sort of. Afternoons are a bit easier, in part because I've been watching a lot of Abraham DVDs and strangling Dehlia in one long, continuous hug. (Who, I might add, must sense something's wrong - she's really not a fan of cuddling in any way, but is graciously allowing me to sob into her coat almost on an hourly basis.) But in the evenings, when I watch a particular television show, or pick up a can of food that I bought last week, I'll immediately think, she was alive the last time we watched this, or she was alive when we bought this.
I know I need to pull myself out of this, this pattern of numbness, pain, extreme pain, acceptance, numbness, pain, extreme pain, unbearable pain... Chris tells me it will take some time. He's understanding. And patient. And caring. And... Without him I honestly don't know how I'd deal with this.
As for me... I'm trying to be more patient. It's just not happening fast enough.
Guess I'll put on another Abraham DVD. And brew some more tea.
And allow myself - just for awhile - to miss my little girl.
_________________
"When you leave this physical form, and your consciousness returns fully to the Inner You, the physical you that has lived in this body will continue to be, always. That essence is always vibrationally accessible by others and by the Broader You."
"Relationships are forever. They are eternal. Not just permanent in this lifetime. Once you establish a relationship, it is an eternal relationship."
-- Abraham
1 comments:
I completely know what you mean. I always think that when I watch shows, think of an event, or listen to a certain song. I'll always think about Haili. I'll be like Haili was alive when I fell in love with this song. Or Haili use to sit w/ me everytime I watched this show etc. I always relate things to TV,music and what not. Even previous relationships that faded just due to busy lives. Like it's been hard watching Grey's Anatomy because I'll remember watching it with certain friends who I don't even talk to anymore. But I am sorry to hear about Molly it is hard. I want to say it gets easier, but it really doesn't. I was miserable and hated being a home all the way up until my mom bought Hannah.
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